non-nonplussed (fourtysix_n_two) wrote in overthinkers,

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inner struggles... (a long one and maybe cross posted)

i struggle greatly with a conflict with in my personality. i was raised with a certain set of morals... i have come to find that there are ethical boundaries which reside in my mind that exceed this moral set. on top of this, i've come to find that my desires exceed my morals and sometimes my ethics. i wonder: if i desire to do something, does that mean my ethical boundaries include such a thing, even if such a thing is 'morally wrong'. does this mean that i'm ethically flexable? or does it mean that i'm denying the fact that my ethical boundaries include inclinations that are 'morally wrong'.

I find that i want to quell my desires. i also find that i want to wallow in them, but i know that in doing so i will be degrading part of myself. so this begs the question, how do i suppress something that part of me doesn't want to suppress.

my inclination is to cut myself off from 'physical' society. well, my inclination really is to make one adjustment to my social [semi] circle which, in turn, could remove a large portion of my circle of physical social contacts (by physical social contact, i mean someone who i see in person on a semi-frequent basis). there is a slim possibility that some of the individauls in this group /might/ still talk with me, but if i'm not around them, then the likely hood that interaction will wane is great. SO, in effect, i'll be removing myself from physical society. with the exception of work... but i'm not talking about that part of society.

the alternative is to work through these issues. which basically means suppress things. all of my understanding of suppressing things in oneself is that it's wrong and will only culminate in an aspect of myself which is rotting and boiling and taking intrest in itself thus building negatively towards a point which could be called a mid-life crisis. so, i'd rather get this possible mid-life crisis over now.

these are the reasons i'm intrested in hinduism and buddism. I'm a 'sensible' christian. by that i mean that i am a non-institutional christian. not to say that there aren't any sensible christians who belong to a church or denomination... (another point for another time.) I believe in balance in one's life and any imbalance will cause an effect somewhere. well, sufficed to say: i've been imbalanced by this struggle for sometime now. there are two different themes to the desires i have. both very male in nature. sex and destruction. to an extent, i can embrace these things, but that extent it limited and has a very fine line associated with it. in the case of sexual desires, there are a few very fine lines that are sequential. at least in my present environment they are. if i were to alter my environment and my interaction with it, this would change a little. (at this point, explinations get complicated. there are threads of explinations that deal with alterations in how i'd interact with my environment and how i might have interacted with it differently. so, i'll leave this mess where it is). in the case of the destructive desires, most of them have been dealt with and were a result of a disposition that i have that i'm learning to control. i have a lot to learn though, because this disposition affects the other desires as well. the sexual and destructive desires are aspects of the disposition, as well as others, and for the most part, the other desires never really have a great deal of an effect on me. the destructive one did, as mentioned, but not in the way that it usually manifests itself.

So really i feel my struggle is with my disposition. and i feel that to quell this affect that my disposition has on me, that i need to take certain measures. before i understood what was going on, i wanted to do /drastic/ things. like cut my 'package' off. i wanted to do this because i felt that without it i couldn't get into sexual 'trouble'. then when i started realizing what was happening i figured that the quickest way to solve the large issue would be to do the same thing. this is what i've concluded is going on. there is a conflict between my hormones and my disposition in that my hormonal desires are amplified. put this with the nature of my disposition, things get really screwed up in my head because i tended to become paralyzed and not act on my sexual desires. i would then get frustrated with myself and... well... i would beat on the 'healthy' aspects of my ego, aka self esteem, i would get depressed, and i would inflate the unhealthy image of myself, aka ego. (you see, i believe that we have two egos... i say this because when one has a healthy self esteem, they usually don't have a heavy dose of the 'egotistical' ego. and one's ego feels one's selfesteem. now when one starts to get egotistical, their ego doesn't fullfil the selfesteem correctly and things get out of wack. there are some exceptions... and these are with super geniouses who are socially inclinde as well as super smart. they have an ego, but they have a decently healthy self esteem... not the point here.) so basically i feel that i need to modify my hormonal balance in such a way that i remain /completely/ male, but don't have to deal with the amplified urges.

now this is an intresting task, because i have aspects of femininity in my personality and psyche, like most guys. but unlike most guys, these aspects have developed to a greater extent for reasons that i have pin-pointed (not the point here). the issue here comes in where, if i were to suppress my testosterone levels (yes i would go to a psychiatrist for these needs and if they directed me to an endocrinologist, i would go to one of them too... i'm not going to do this on my own. and i'm not going to start any time soon...) a little, then i might become a little too feminine. and i like where i'm at. i'm gentle and kind and understanding, but flamboyantly flegerant/ homosexual. (i guess i'll have to into my views on my personal sexuality sometime too... but to clarify, i'm not a homophobe. i have a few gay friends and i enjoy spending time with them, but when the day ends, i like the flexable curves of a woman to the rigidity of a man.)

with all of this said, and off my chest, i feel that all of this is something that is going to take me time to settle with and and figure out.
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